Yesterday and Today
by blinnn
Summary: Every morning Blaine wakes up, and remembers the accident that happened seven years ago, as if it were only yesterday. Warnings: Permanent Memory loss. Angst.


"Blaine." He hears it. He hears his name being called. Over and over. It's a voice he knows well. It's familiar and it hurts.

As it goes on, it morphs; changes. It gets higher, more delicate. Even more familiar. Then it changes again. The same voice, but the tone is urgent. It's yelling.

"_Blaine_!"

It goes on and on and it hurts. Hurts his head and his heart and it aches in his bones. He can't turn it off and he's screaming to try to cancel out the sound.

He just wants it to stop. He covers his ears, and his throat is raw from screaming. Yelling the voices away. Willing them to leave him forever.

Then there's a hand on his back and everything stops, instantly.

"Blaine…"

His vision is burred, his cheeks damp, but he doesn't remember crying.

"Blaine, it's okay." A soothing hand rubs, with maybe a little too much pressure, circles on his back.

"I-" He takes a deep breath, trying to bring himself back to reality.

"It's okay. You're okay. I'm here."

He doesn't respond. His breathing was still ragged. The images burned into his mind.

A mouth; open. Screaming his name. Cars. Smoke. Blood. Smashed bones. So much screaming.

He feels dizzy. The room in front of him spins and he falls to the mattress, gripping his head with both hands; as if it would steady him, keep him in one place.

But he isn't moving. Nothing is moving. It's all in his head.

Everything.

Everything is in his head.

Nothing is real.

Yes, _yes_, it's all just- just a really bad dream. It hadn't really happened.

_Not real. Not real. Not real._

He chants in his head, but as he felt the person beside him shudder, he realized he'd been saying it out loud.

"Blaine, it- Blaine… please just, come back to me."

The voice. That voice from the dream. Soft and beautiful. His head stops pounding. He opens his eyes. He's there. He's there with him.

"I- Kurt?" His mouth forms the word on its own accord, and the hand is back, but it's in his hair now.

Eyes. Blue, piercing eyes. He knows them well. He's seen them before. He _loves_ them.

"_Kurt._"

A broken sob escapes the beautiful lips above him. "Blaine…" He's nodding really quickly, and his eyes are filled with tears and Blaine shoots up off the bed and wraps his arms around him.

"Kurt. _Kurt_. Oh my god, Kurt. I thought you- I thought..." Now he's crying and nothing really makes sense. He doesn't understand what is going on, but this is Kurt and he thought he was gone forever.

"Oh, Blaine." Kurt pulls back from the embrace, keeping his hands on Blaine's sides. "Baby, this… you're- do you know where you are?"

Blaine's eyebrows knit together. He realizes, he really _doesn't_ know. Looking around the room, all he sees is white. White bed, white walls, white sheets, a white table and chair. White everything.

He looks back into Kurt's eyes, shaking his head.

"You remember- you remember the accident?"

Instantly, images flashed again in his mind. _Kurt_. Kurt, screaming his name. Kurt's voice, a car, Kurt's screaming. Blaine clasped his hands over his ears again as the screaming gets louder, the sounds are amplified, and the scene replays.

_Blaine watches through the window of their apartment. He watches as Kurt walks out the door and makes his way down the street toward the subway entrance. A driver speeds by, recklessly. He turns the corner as Kurt is crossing the street and it happens._

_Kurt's screaming. He's screaming so loudly that Blaine hears every second of it until it drowns into every other scream on the street. Blaine's stuck in his place. He wants to scream, wants to run, wants to move, do something. But he's rooted to the spot. He sees people pulling out their phones to call the police. He feels woozy and he falls. He's falling, falling, the darkness of his mind swallowing him whole._

_It's all he remembers._

_The only thing that he will ever remember._

He nods, solemnly to Kurt. _Kurt_. Who he'd thought to be dead.

"You- you were dead."

Kurt shakes his head.

"I recovered."

"But- but I would have _remembered_."

Kurt's head shakes once more. His eyes gleaming with tears.

"You wouldn't have. You never do."

Blaine is confused. Surely he'd remember. His whole existence was meaningless without Kurt. He didn't- he couldn't have forgotten.

"This has happened before?" Blaine's eyes are wet, his expression downtrodden. He doesn't understand anything and he just wishes he could.

"Today… today would be our tenth anniversary."

Blaine's breathing speeds up. This is entirely impossible. That would mean that Blaine had forgotten seven years of his life. Seven years of Kurt. A terrible thought entered his mind.

"Wai- w- _would be_?" The panic creeps its way into his voice.

Kurt's lip trembles. "Blaine, I- I'm so _sorry_. You- you were here and I couldn't… I can't see you like this every day of my life. It literally kills me inside every time I see you. Hell, it kills me every damn day, regardless."

"I don't- I don't understand."

"Blaine, you're here. You live here. In this place, with these white walls, the white sheets, the white _clothes_. Tell me you don't know where you are."

"I- I'm… I'm..." The words stuck on his tongue, Kurt is crying again. Blaine feels the urge to kiss the sad away but it doesn't seem like he has the right anymore.

"Please don't make me say it."

"I'm _insane?_"

"No! No, Blaine. You- you just… you're _lost_. Lost in a time and a place that haven't existed in seven years."

"And you're not… not my- my boyfriend anymore?"

"I-" Kurt stops himself, shaking his head. "Blaine…"

Blaine shakes his head. He screws his eyes shut, trying to process all of this information.

"You've been here before."

"Yes. Do you remember?" Blaine notes the hopefulness in Kurt's voice. It breaks him to have to reply.

"No…"

Kurt says nothing. They're not looking at each other. They can't. Everything is so painful, and fresh, despite it having been seven years since the accident happened.

"I'm going to forget again, aren't I?"

"There's no way to tell for sure… but the odds point to yes. You've never remembered before."

"I love you."

"Blaine…" Kurt looks so pained and Blaine literally aches at the sight. He caused that. Causes it, every day.

"You don't- you don't have to love me back. But I love you. _So much_. And I always will. No matter how many times I forget… how things are now. I will _always_ remember that I love you."

Kurt lurches forward, grabbing the sides of Blaine's face and pulling his into a kiss. Blaine's heart soars. He feels so whole, so perfect, even just for this moment. The soft slide of Kurt's lips against his own, the puffs of air expelled against his lips as he pulls back and just stares into Blaine's eyes. It's all so perfect, yet so final.

Because no matter whether Kurt comes back or not, Blaine won't remember this day; this moment. It'll be like it never happened, to Blaine.

"I know that… that I won't remember what's happening now. But I don't want you to forget how much I care- how much I will always care about you."

Kurt buried his face into the crook of Blaine's neck.

"I love you, _I love you_, Blaine-_ god_. You're- I'll never stop loving you."

Blaine took a shuddered breath, rubbing Kurt's back soothingly.

"How often… do you visit me, here?"

"Once a- once a week."

Blaine's stomach drops, and he pulls back and away from Kurt.

"Fuck, Kurt. No… no, I don't. I don't want you to do that."

"What, but-"

"You're throwing away so much time on something that can't be changed or fixed." Blaine spoke firmly, "I don't want to be the reason you aren't living."

"Blaine, you- you're the very reason I _am_ living. I can't possibly live without you."

"You already are, Kurt. I'm not me. Not anymore. You have to do this every week? How awful that must be for you. It's not healthy for you to put yourself under such stress. And I will not let you let me be the cause of it."

"Blaine…"

"No, Kurt. You have to promise me. _Promise_ that you won't come here every week. Promise to start coming less and less until you just don't come at all, eventually."

"I can't do that…"

"You can, and you _have to_. I won't know the difference, Kurt. Before you came to me today, I thought you were dead. This doesn't have to be goodbye forever, but it should be the beginning of the end. Please promise me you'll do this."

Kurt hesitates. Blaine knows he's asking a lot, but it's for Kurt's own good. If he's tied to someone who doesn't even remember that he's alive, having to constantly remind the man he loves that he's gone crazy, he'll go crazy himself.

"I'll try."

"You have to do better than that, Kurt. Actually do it. I do not want you to throw your life away, especially on my account."

There's a long pause. Their fingers are intertwined between them, Blaine rubbing Kurt's hand soothingly with his thumb.

"O-okay. I'll… I'll do it. For you. I promise."

Blaine smiles and it's strained. He knows he should be happy, because Kurt agreed to move on, but that's just it. It's the beginning of the end. And though Blaine will wake up tomorrow and not remember a god-damn thing, it hurts _right now_ to know it's over.

He wraps his arms tightly around Kurt's torso, breathing in the scent of him, hoping it will remain in his memory, but sadly knowing it won't.

"I may forget everything that happened today… but I'll remember my love for you until I die, whenever that may be."

Kurt shakes with tears, "You're so much more than you'll ever know."

* * *

"Meds."

"Mmm, w- what?" Blaine woke, bleary-eyed. A young man stood above him, a tiny cup in each hand.

"You have to take your medication."

"Why do- what medication?"

The man sighed, "Please, sir. Just take it; the doctor will be in to explain in a few minutes."

Blaine listened, taking each cup and swallowing the contents.

"Thank you." The man spoke, with a forced smile.

Blaine was spent. He felt like he'd been wrung out to dry. He surveyed his surroundings, finding nothing but white. _Where was he_?

"Hello, Blaine." A woman's voice spoke smoothly, brightly. Her smile calmed him, yet he didn't know why.

"Hello…"

"I'm Dr. Olivia Aroys, how are you this morning?"

"I'm… okay. But-"

Cutting him off, the doctor spoke, "You're probably very confused right now, but I assure that everything is alight. This is your home, Blaine. You live here: Oakwood Meadow Institution."

Blaine's eyebrows furrowed. "Insti-"

"You're not able to live own your own, Blaine. You need assistance, and that's what we're here for."

Blaine shook his head, "I don-"

The woman held a hand up to stop him, "Nothing probably makes any sense to you at the moment. And… usually I would have a whole spiel ready for you to explain it, but today is different."

Blaine just stared. He was beyond trying to comprehend what Dr. Aroys was on about.

"I will preface this by saying something, though." It was then that Blaine noticed that in addition to the usual clipboard that a doctor would normally carry, she was holding a book; it looked like a journal. "I'm your doctor, Blaine. I have been for the past seven years."

Blaine's confusion showed further. The doctor took a step forward.

"This," She waved the book for emphasis, "is a new thing. For you, and for me. It was given to me by someone very important… and it holds a lot of information; information that you're missing. All of your confusions are explained away in this journal, Blaine. I read it over, and I'm sorry, but it was necessary. I had to make sure it would be helpful rather than harmful to your development."

Blaine shrugged. His lack of understanding of the situation left him without a stance on the matter.

"Okay. So, for… trial and error purposes, today being the first day that I've done this, I'm going to stay in the room while you read it, to monitor the situation."

Blaine nodded, agreeing noncommittally. Dr. Aroys gave him the book, and took a seat at the simple table in the corner of the room.

He eyed her nervously, knowing that she was just going to be watching him as he reads. It was a bit intimidating.

Blaine eyed the soft, brown, leather of the cover. Running his fingers over it, he saw that his name was embroidered on the cover.

Opening it, he immediately recognized the delicate handwriting on the pages.

His breath caught in his throat at the sight.

_Blaine,_

_You're probably wondering what the hell is going on right now; and rightly so. Everything's changed. The last thing you probably remember is the accident. You remember it like it was just yesterday, but it wasn't. It was seven years ago, and I'm alive. I'm alive, Blaine, so you don't have to mourn. Please don't spend your time being sad._

Blaine's eyes stung. Tears forming rapidly as his lips trembled.

_That being said, you're probably wondering how any of this is possible, or what it means. You're stuck, Blaine. You're stuck in a point in time and you can't be brought forward. You wake up and it's like a clean slate. You don't remember what happened the day before, or any day that has happened since that awful one._

_It… I feel responsible, some days. And everyone's told me not to. That it's not my fault that I got hit by that car; and it's not my fault that it affected you so deeply. This… all of it… your life now… it's because of that accident. You were traumatized by it and it's a burden both of us carry daily._

_I visit. It's hard. Hard to have to remind you each time that I'm real and that I'm there and that I love you, just to have you forget when you're asleep._

A single sob escaped Blaine at the thought. That he'd put Kurt through that.

_Every week for the better part of these years, after I'd recovered, I came to see you. Once a week. Yesterday was our anniversary of 10 years._

Blaine's breath shook as he inhaled, noting the date in the corner: _March 16__th__, 2021_.

_It was different, when I came to see you yesterday. Usually things happen very differently, and I'm not sure how or why it changed._

_Usually, I come and we cry together and kiss and it's goodbye every time. But yesterday you told me something, and I had heard it so many times, but hearing it from _you_ cemented it in my mind._

_You told me to stop coming._

Blaine's stomach dropped. _No_. Why would he say such a thing? Why would he want to stop seeing Kurt? _He loved him._

_Not cold turkey, Blaine. That would be complete torture for us both, and you'll understand why. But you told me to come less and less until finally I stop coming at all. You asked me to promise you that I would do this._

_I made the promise. It was hard. I don't want to stop seeing you. And it may take years for that to happen, who knows? I'm starting by coming every _other_ week, and that alone will be so hard for me, Blaine. It's hard already not coming to see you every _day, _despite the sadness that awaits me_._ I still love you so much. We're not- necessarily- together anymore. There's no one else, and I still think of you as my soul mate. But, you're there. You live in that institution and I'm not there every day- I can't be. I'm always going to love you. I don't want you to think I don't love you._

_Yesterday, you told me not to throw my life away. I hadn't realized, but it was exactly what I was doing. Blaine, your condition is irreversible. I've researched- spent so much time on it- trying to find some sort of fucking medical loophole or something. It's just not possible. Yet, I continued to believe that one day, I'd walk in that room and you wouldn't look at me as if you'd seen a ghost. That one day I wouldn't have to explain to you that we're not teenagers in New York anymore._

_Nothing about this is easy. It's hard to stay, continuing what I've been doing, but it's hard to think about walking away. But I have to and I'm so, so, sorry, Blaine. I love you so much, and I'm just keeping a promise to you. This last promise that I'll love you forever, but our forevers will have to be apart._

Blaine sniffed, tearing his eyes away from the page to look at the ceiling. He needed to breathe; he felt like he was suffocating.

_I thought of this journal idea a while back, but I'd never really put it to use. I was too afraid of change. But now that change is staring me in the face, I thought it best to forge ahead. Every morning, you're going to read this journal. It's going to tell you everything that you need to know that has happened; help you understand._

_Any other questions - like, of the medical variety- that you have, would be best directed toward Dr. Aroys. She's lovely, by the way. She's become one of my good friends over the years; helped us both a lot, and I'll forever be grateful._

_Every time that I visit, I'll add another entry. This means, as the period of time increases between my visits, the number of updates in the journal decreases._

_I wish this didn't have to be, Blaine. I really do. But I keep true to my word, especially when it comes to you. I will not let you down. I've caused too much pain already._

_I don't know how my life with pan out, but I do know that you will always be in my heart._

The tears ran hot down Blaine's cheeks, a few spilling onto the page. He wiped them quickly as to not harm the book in any way.

_I hoped this helped you understand a few things. I'll see you in 13 days._

_I love you,_

_Kurt._

Blaine shut the book, fingering the leather binding solemnly.

He sat there, his mind reeling for minutes upon minutes.

He'd forgotten that Dr. Aroys was still there until her voice broke the silence, "How are you feeling?"

He looked at her, eyes red and swollen, "Like shit, to be honest." He laughed, despite his upset.

She smile, "Honesty is good. I don't want you holding anything in, here, Blaine. I can only help with as much as you give me."

He nodded. "I'm still… a bit confused. Like about the logistics and everything, but it's not like it matters _why_ my brain is messed up, it only really matters that it is, and it's going to stay that way."

The doctor marked a few things down on her sheet of paper. "And about Kurt? What do you think about him?"

"I'm glad he's alive. _So_ glad. I… I woke up and my first thought was that I'd never see him again. But knowing that I will is comforting." He paused, glancing at his hands, "That fact that he's leaving me isn't, but he says it's what I wanted. And I can understand why… I'd feel horrible if he continued living this way. Living each day, knowing that I don't remember anything from the past seven years, not knowing whether he should be able to… let himself fall in love again."

"You think he'd find someone else?"

"I know he will. He's- he's amazing. Anyone would be lucky to have him. I was lucky he gave me the time of day. He's… everything."

She nodded, making another note, "Anything else you're feeling?"

"Well, I'm kind of hungry; do we have French toast, here?"

She smiled, "I'll see what I can do." And with a wink, she left.

* * *

Kurt paced in the hallway. He hadn't been this nervous in a long time. Olivia had told Kurt that the journal was working very well in terms of helping Blaine comprehend things on a daily basis. Still, he was anxious to see what that meant for their interaction. Deciding he couldn't wait any longer – the last 13 days away from Blaine had been brutal- he pushed open the door to Blaine's room.

"Blaine?"

Sparkling eyes and a bright smile found him in the doorway as Blaine sat in the chair at his table, "Kurt."

Kurt's breath was stuck in his chest. The sight of Blaine's eyes lighting up, instead of the confusion that was usually there when he'd introduced himself, was overwhelming.

"Jesus, Blaine…" He spoke, finally; all but running toward him to pull him up out of the chair and into his arms.

Blaine giggled as Kurt placed pecks all over his cheek and neck and forehead, "Kurt, Kurt… calm down."

Kurt pulled back, breathing heavily, "I'm sorry, it's just… this is… the first time you've looked this happy in… a long time."

"Well you're here, and I love you. So I'm happy."

Kurt's heart tightened. _One day I won't be, _he thought briefly before reprimanding himself for bringing down the moment, even in his mind.

"God, you're…" He trailed off, not really knowing how to finish the sentence. "So, you're doing well, then?" He asked, apprehensively.

Blaine nodded. "Olivia is amazing, you were right, she's a good friend." He paused, moving toward his bed to take a seat. "I mean, she gives me the journal every morning, and then asks me about things and then she makes sure I know what progress I've made _here. _Like… A few days ago, apparently I called her Olivia without her telling me her name. I mean, I don't remember it, but she swears it happened so, I believe her."

Kurt's mouth fell open, taking a seat on the bed as well, "Really? But-"

"She says it's common for small things to leak through, like that. Like names of people that I've been interacting with more often and stuff like that. She says it's really good. I don't know if it really _means_ anything."

"That's so good, Blaine. I am so happy you're doing well."

"I'm better now that you're here."

Kurt moved closer on the bed. "I love you so much." He whispered before placing a hand on Blaine's cheek and kissing him.

The kiss was soft, but so much more than what Kurt usually allowed. Blaine licked Kurt's lips, and Kurt granted him entrance. Blaine's tongue flitted across Kurt's teeth and massaged his tongue. Groaning, Kurt deepened the kiss, moving his other hand to the back of Blaine's head to pull them impossibly closer.

They pulled away, gasping for air, Kurt's hands slipping to the sides of Blaine's neck. "I haven't kissed you like that in a very long time."

Blaine cocked his head, "Really?"

Kurt nodded, "I never- we were never really in a state to be able to. It was… mostly tears and sadness up until now. Damn, I wish I'd used the journal earlier."

"Hey don't go blaming yourself for anything. I mean that. _Anything_. Nothing that has happened has ever been your fault. You can't live with a constant –and unnecessary- guilt hanging above your head, Kurt."

Kurt smiled sadly, "I don't deserve your kindness."

"You're right." Blaine started, firmly, "You deserve much more."

"Blaine…"

"I'm serious. Don't interrupt me, mister. You are destined for things outside of me, outside of this constant loop of a life that I live. _I_ have to live that way, but _you don't_. I know you love me, Kurt, but you don't have to sacrifice having a real life for me. It won't do anything but cause resentment and I will not have you resenting me."

"Why are you so level-headed about this?"

"You're talking to someone who is in a mental institution, you do realize?" Blaine laughed.

Kurt rolled his eyes, "You've always been the more rational of us."

"That's due to your passion for drama."

"I do love a little drama."

Kurt smiled at their banter. It surprised him that it was still so easy, to be this way with Blaine, after everything. He thought he'd lost the chance to be the real 'them' a long time ago.

"How long do we have?"

Blaine looked at the wall clock, "Visiting hours are over in about five hours. If you don't have any prior engagements, we could go watch a movie or two in the rec room." He smiled, wagging his eyebrows excitedly.

"That sounds perfect."


End file.
